Sunday, 13 March 2011

Operation Pork Scratching: Mission Overview

Ok grunts, listen up. We are about to embark on a mission into the heart of darkness, only for the bravest of the brave. Remember, fame is fleeting, honour is timeless!

"What in name of Dwight D. Eisenhower is Operation Pork Scratching?", you might be asking. Well I'll tell you.

In 2008, a crack commando unit was sent to Poplar House by a panel of interviewers for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly booked an afternoon off from work and fled to the Tettenhall underground mid-afternoon pub scene. Today, still wanted by various law enforcement officers, they survive as soldiers of misfortune. If you have a good beer, if no other punters are about at 2pm in the afternoon, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The occasional afternoon pissheads.

Mission Commanders:

Cpt. Steve Cartwright - Callsign: 'The Beard'

Cpt. Richard Bladon- Callsign: 'The Blade'

Cpt. James Hickens - Callsign: 'Chest-night'

Cpt. James McFarland - Callsign: 'Boat-man'

Cpt. Paul Dutton - Callsign: 'the Metal'

Anyone else joining the ranks of the elite, should note that these fine soldiers have form and experience on tours of this nature. Heed their words, they may just save your pathetic life.

Their latest mission is surely the most daunting yet. A gruelling, near 5 mile route into the jungles of Compton and Finchfield.

Let me put it plainly. Our previous mission (codename: Operation Bowling Green) was akin to a 1990's tour of Germany. This conflict is the Vietnam of the beer-crawl.

The Mission Objective

Simple - navigate the wilds of the west-side pubs and make it back into the heart of Wolverhampton in one piece (and of course, neck loads of ale on route). Victory conditions are as previous - remain standing by the end of the campaign and make it to the exfiltration point. Failure is not an option.

Key risks to mission success

  • Number of hotzones (pubs) - 10 in total x 1pint p.p minimum.
  • 4.32 mile distance
  • Occasional uphill bits
  • The beer sniper (he's still not been caught)
  • U.D.I's (Unidentified Drunken Injury)
  • Disgruntled locals
  • Crossing roads

The Route:

As a preliminary route, the following is to be submitted for verification from mission command:

Report concluded. For GPS instruction and aerial surveillence, please see below. All that is needed is to confirm the mission date.

For Aerial Surveillance footage, click here

GPS navigation :

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